Hands up. Who hasn't wanted to get their handwriting analysed?! It's only one of the coolest things, ever. The way you dot your i's determining whether you can use a knife and fork? Rad.
Seeing examples online of various letters with the explanations behind them, doesn't quite cut the mustard for me. I wanted a full blow by blow account of what my spider's scrawl of a signature means.
According to research from the National Pen Company in the U.S, graphologists - known to you and me as a handwriting studier, can identify up to 5,000 different personality traits based on the way you space your letters, how you sign your name, and even how you connect the letter 'o' and 's' to other letters in a word.
Here's the but. Graphologists don't come cheap, girlfriend. I wasn't committed enough to fork out £150 to be assured that I am a well adjusted and adaptable individual - I tell myself that everyday in the mirror.
Trailing through the endless pseudo charlatans, I was beginning to lose hope that my personal font would ever be fully deciphered. Then it happened. Divine Providence. In the form of Quantum Enterprises, guaranteeing to reveal my inner secrets for the large sum of £22.95. And, they throw a certificate into the deal, too. It's jaw droppingly good.
I appreciated that there was a strong chance that graphologists in general, or this graphologist in particular, was somewhat of a rapscallion, but that was a chance I was willing to take. It would only come at a cost of £23. They also have a disclaimer stating that the report is for entertainment purposes only. Fair play, my friend. Fair play.
What if, just what if, that report comes through the door and it's absolutely on the money? The £22.95 money. And hey, my Facebook privacy settings are off the hook, so I know that they can't be a cheatin'.
I'll confess, I've often spent time wondering what my handwriting says about me. I like to think that my font says that I'm:
Smart as a whip; and a...
Baker extraordinaire - handwriting can 'see' that, right?!
Knowing my luck, it says that I'm:
Completely unfunny (this would be the absolute worst);
I had to send off a sample of 15-20 lines of waffle on plain paper, using a fancy, schmancy pen. I chose to use the 'I am Heathcliff' quote from Wuthering Heights. If you don't know it, you should be ashamed of yourself.
The report arrived approximately 2 weeks later. After several minutes of fretting, I tore into the envelope to reveal the contents. I just knew that I was setting myself up for a fall.
The first page is a certificate detailing the 8 most common characteristics that can usually be found. I scored a big, fat '0' on Worldliness. Does my handwriting honestly not reflect just how well-travelled I am?!
The report then provides various details on my character. It starts of be saying that I work in a methodical manner. Tick.
It then goes on to say that my signature is larger than 85% of the population, and that I see myself in a relative position of power and worth, with greater feelings of self-importance. That's right. Just call me Beyonce.
I also have a strong need to succeed in everything that I do, and I hate to lose. I will also see any obstacle as a challenge that needs to be overcome to get what I want. Apparently, writers who scrawl their signature are saying that the reader of the document should know who they are, without having to actually be able to read the words, and that not much of their valuable time can be spent on the issue. Remember that people. I'm too important to give you too much of my attention.
My handwriting also shows that I have an above average physical and mental need for space around me and I hate to be confined. Tick. Tick. Tick.
I also have many friendships, but all maintained at a superficial level to help maintain my need for space. Another tick. I hate it when people get too close.
I prefer more risk and excitement than normal, and take life lightly as a result, and make decisions on a whim. Semi tick. I do like to do some things impulsively, but when it comes to big decisions, I carefully consider every option before saying 'fuck it' and just go for something.
The report states that I like to freely express my feelings and moods, but later says I have trouble giving free vent to my emotions. I'm generally emotionally in control and keep calm and cool in situations. I knew that First Aid training was a good idea.
I also speak out forthrightly and can defend myself well under attack. In a quarrel, I can argue well. This is too true. Don't even think about starting an argument with me, you won't win. I'm competitive, remember? This also comes in handy as the report states that I have above average intelligence and I'm able to tackle a more intellectually demanding career than the average person. Perhaps the law is the way to go, after all.
It finishes off by saying that I'm a perfectionist, I like to abide by the law (hence the career then), I'm reliable and conscientious.
In a nutshell, I interpreted all of this as saying I have OCD, I'm a control freak, I have a huge...ego, and I'll do whatever it takes to get to the top. Oh God. I'm Christian Grey.
...And it didn't even mention anything about my baking skills.
I'm glad I did it. I'm still pretty freaked by how accurate it actually is, and I like to think that my self-important and large ego of a signature really means that one day, I'll be super famous.